it's nearly 4am and i can't sleep.

c'mon brain, don't be a freaking scumbag;
you know the only way i can get well from this month-long cough/cold/flu spell is for me to get rest.

maybe it's stress.

stress from what?


i'm afraid of flunking out in uni.
i'm afraid of getting fatter.
i'm afraid of my face breaking out.
i'm afraid of not being able to buy what i want.


from my inability to save my money.
from my growing habit of not paying attention to my studies.
from my lack of urgency.
from my furniture that may or may not arrive on time on tuesday;
and in the event where it doesn't, would cost me $100, courtesy of Verve Apartments.
from my lack of exercise, which means i'm wasting my gym membership i'm working to pay for.
from my dietary habits that yo-yo from 2 bowls of Aussie sized portions a meal to just 5 small dumplings.
from my job that gives me too few hours, and my second job that's paying me too little.
from my back that's been having pains over the last few weeks.
from my lack of fashion sense (trivial? you try being a fat girl with no fashion sense in melbourne)
from my addiction to 9gag, that makes me slave hours at a time on the net for nothing.

the list goes on and on and on and on.......

not to mention how mediocre my life here in Melbourne.
it's funny how people expected me to go wild or something once i go overseas,
away from my parents who keep their relatively sharp eyes on me.
believe it or not, i'm a lot tamer now despite the freedom i have here, compared to back home.

here?

no car.
no money.
need to study.
need to work.

i don't drink as much.
i don't club.. at all. (one hand is enough to count okay =.=)
everyone knows i won't touch cigarettes.
i've never tried any kind of drug (besides medicine.. true story okay... why the doubt la?)

but, it's not only the bad things that i don't do.

i've limited myself to a 1 km radius around my apartment,
cause i just can't seem to leave my comfort zone.
or at least, i can't afford to.

tram tickets are too expensive.
the good stuff's all further than walking distance.
eat at the same 3-4 restaurants if i eat out.
go to an average of 4 places a week: uni, domino's, chillipadi, coles/woollies/aldi.
i don't do anything besides sleep, eat, go to uni, go to work.

missed out on so many things in the last 6 months,
skiing, cherry picking, skydiving, good food/cafe hunting, visiting other parts of Australia,
or just getting out of the city and visiting the suburbs.

jase has been trying to get me to move for the last 1 month or so,
but after 6 months of sticking to doing nothing, i've just grown.. stale.

every time i think about what my life in Melbourne has come to be, i just get so.. depressed.
depressed that i didn't get to go to UK, like i've always wanted to,
where travelling opportunities there are a whole lot easier to come by,
where chances of meeting people other than Malaysians and Singaporeans are higher,
where uni life is actually a uni life..

and there's me not willing to give up my job(s) cause i know i need the money,
whether it's to sustain my daily spending,
or just to save some cash to treat myself to things i've always wanted but could never have.
even though i know i need to CONCENTRATE on this stupid course that i don't even wanna do.

sigh.

i wish i wasn't the typical whiny teenage girl, but i'm afraid i am.

i'm afraid of money.
i'm afraid of time.
i'm afraid of 'what comes next'.

i'm 20 this year.. i'm no little girl, i'm no teenager no more.

i'm growing up, and i hate it. i hate every aspect of growing up.
i wish my teen life could've lasted longer.

so...... my planned 4 sentence blog post turned into this huge rant that i've been holding in (and jase hearing most of it quite a number of times) for the last 2 months.

i just don't wanna whine anymore. help.